That Vicki…she’s a real jokester. Its a good thing I have a sense of humor otherwise I would call her a flaming bitch instead of a funny lady…

Ok so my sense of humor is not THAT great. Vicki told me a month ago that I had to have an “x-ray” at my post-op visit to make sure that my j-pouch was healing right before my takedown in June. Oh an X-ray, sure. No Problem. So last Tues I venture to Cleveland to get my “x-ray” and have my post-op appointment. I get to the radiology department, check in, get a wrist band and wait for my name to be called. About 5 minutes later, I get called and taken to a changing room. Sign #1 something is weird. Normal x-rays don’t require you to get nekkid. I looked at the wrist band and it says Colon Barium Enema. Ha jokes on them no colon. Wait a minute…Enema. Sign #2 something is weird. X-rays don’t involve enemas. Damn it. So I wait…and wait… and I swear a 12 year old boy comes to take me to the xray. No name, just 12 yr old boy with a Justin Bieber hair cut. SWEAR TO GOD.

12 yr old takes me to the room, on the way there he asks if I know what I’m having done. I said that I wasn’t sure, but I was pretty confident that it would probably suck. Justin Bieber told me it wasn’t that bad. I told Justin Bieber when he hits puberty to call me.

So they tell me to climb on the table and they take a few real x-rays, then they put what looks like a tiny little baby pool under by bum. “In case any comes out” Awesome. Then they explain they are going to shove a tube up my butt, shoot up some barium, and take some xrays. As pleasant as this sounds, I still wasn’t paying much attention. More focused on the fact that Justin Bieber was shoving a tube up my butt. Hah… nice one Vicki, jokes on me.

The x-ray tech comes in, and tells me it might be cold (great), it might be uncomfortable (super), and it might go in the bag (weird). So he shoots it on up there and it was in fact cold, uncomfortable and did go into my bag. Winner! At this point it hit me…my poop chute is being used in reverse. WEIRD. What goes up…came out in to my bag. So I’m rolling around at different angles so they can take x-rays of my junky junk. It was almost like a photo shoot…except I’m pretty sure most models don’t have a tube of barium taped to their asses. So we’re done and I get ready to get up and I realize my bag is FULL of barium…to the point where I’m pretty sure when I empty its gonna go everywhere. But because I’m a master emptier (empty-er?) I did not spill. But it was heavy…really heavy. Stupid.

So I go to my post op appointment and guess what…Vicki doesn’t come in. Guess what else…Remzi didn’t show up. Right when I had totally had it with the serious lack of patient education…there wasn’t even anyone around to yell at. Its getting ridiculous.

So yea…when they say x-ray…double check that.