Ok my stoma, Stella, has been a real bitch lately. Also the things I’m about to tell you, I found so important that I’m up at 4:57am typing this crap out. Why is that? Oh you know, just because I can’t effing sleep again. No seriously, this is BS. (brace yourself,  I feel a late night/morning rant coming on..and lots of spelling errors) Why is it that when I do not wake up at 6:30 it means I can’t fall asleep at night and I wake up a whole bunch and whatnot. I get the whole circadian rhythm thing, but come on. This is just so freakin’ annoying.
Anyway, Stella. So my output lately has been really…really. liquidy lately, so much so that the other day I’m pretty sure I got all dizzy/dehydrated that I had to just sit down for a minute and hang out.  I tried some immodium but it didn’t really help a whole lot. So anyway, (also if you’re not a current/former/future ostomate, you might wanna stop reading…..rachelle.) ….anyway right before I got all dizzy heres what happened. I was changing the bag/wafer that day and I knew my junk was all liquid….which makes replacing things really difficult because while its not covered you have a large chance that youre going to get your liquid crap all over the place…which, I gotta tell ya, is super awesome. More on this later.

"lard ass, lard ass, lard ass!"

So anyway, I decide, like the genius I am, to do this weird stand/squat/lean/pants on/backwards facing move over the toilet. Try to picture this, I’m sure its hilarious. Anyhoo, so as I’m washing everything and plotting dry and whatnot, I did notice some small liquid output and I’m all “whew thank goodness I was over the toilet” Then….like a freakin bat outta hell. Stella unleashes. And the only way I can think to describe this…and I apologize, is like vomit in the movies. Like a large, thick streak stream of constant liquid…for a good couple seconds. I was like…woa…woa…woa. It shocked the hell out of me. And brought up a ton of questions….what is the velocity in which my poo shoots outta my stoma when its liquid? Could I set a world record in distance? and most importantly, how can I remember to never change the bag again when its this liquidy. Holy hell, you guys I’m not kidding, I stood there a minute and just let it all sink in. Totally freaked me out…and in some really…off disturbed way…I think I felt like a dude. Except that, I’m a girl, I wasn’t peeing, and it was liquid poop coming out of my stomach…other than that totally like a dude.
So back to my liquid poop. Heres the awesome thing about liquid poo. Its super easy to empty your bag, granted you have to do it slow which is important otherwise it will splash, don’t ask me how I know. Heres the con…you have to empty it wayyyy before you would if it was a thicker output. Heres why…when you open the bag, and you’re all slowly putting it in to the toilet bowl….you’re totally gonna spill….dont ask me how I know. But if you try to go fast…you make it often…but equally as often there is an overspill too…don’t ask me how I know. Which inspired a dilemma…cause well I’m lazy. Wicked lazy….but I hear cleaning up liquid poo off the floor sucks….don’t ask me how I know.  So suggestion…..just empty sooner when its more liquid..besides most often its a lot heavier and more annoying to tote around liquid…far harder to disguise as well. Oh I might also suggest the reverse cowgirl toilet seat position in times like this…for some reason..its easier…and I just wanted to say reverse cowgirl in a blog.
Also along with the liquid..which is awesome..I already have to empty again in the 30 minutes I’ve been sitting here….its loud. Its really loud…and active..and stupid…and loud…and embarrassing…and loud. So if I could just get over this whole…ya know…loud/liquid stage…that’d be nice.
So yea, uh sorry for making you read that.